Couples who live together get along well, apparently they don’t have major problems, but their sex life has stagnated – it’s not clear why – they are more and more numerous. According to research, between 10 and 20% of couples in the United States do not have sex, which would equate to 40 million people. In addition, it is believed that the number may be much higher in reality, as many individuals refuse to talk about their sex life, much less recognize that they lack it when they have a partner. A sexless couple is one who has less than one relationship a month or less than 10 a year.
But the truth is that, after several years of living together, it is not difficult to add to the list of asexual couples, even if there is a good relationship, communication, and even intimacy. Sex is the first thing left for later when the to-do list is long and long. Partly because we still believe that passion and enthusiasm are qualities included in the “two people who love each other and move in together” package.
Even if they come, what happens is that the batteries run down. Faced with this new situation, many people think that life is just like that and that, inevitably, everything comes to an end – it doesn’t occur to them to think about replacement batteries. Because they get along well, like the same kind of movie, and still have many years of a mortgage, they begin a period of hibernation interrupted by the summer vacation.
They can go on like this for the rest of their days, or it can happen that someone crosses paths with either of them, causing them to discover sex for the second time, or maybe for the first time, and end a relationship that is more like flatmates, that of bed.
Losing the sex factor at any given time is normal in every relationship, what is not so normal is burying it for no apparent reason. According to Francisca Molero, sexologist, gynecologist, and director of the Institut Clinic of Sexology in Barcelona, this can originate from physiological problems, although this is not the reason most of the time.
“It is the case of women who start to think they are no longer attractive and, therefore, their partners no longer seek them out, or that of many men whose women’s refusal to have sex begins to provoke insecurity and anxiety, which ends up affecting the sexual response and can ultimately lead to premature ejaculation or other disorders.
The cognitive blocks or controls the instinct. Unfortunately, a lack of interest in sex does not always affect both members of a couple equally. The most common is that one continues to want to have relationships and the other doesn’t, which is also a source of frustration, guilt, fights, and contained anger. All of this, sooner or later, will end up undermining the relationship”, comments the sexologist.
Recent scientific studies indicate that women are the first to lose interest after years with the same partner and that the hypoactive desire syndrome, that is, lack of desire, could be nothing more or less than boredom.
Personally, I believe that sex in a couple plays the role of the unconscious and that, in general, it is the first to detect and somatize the problems that the intellect will take years to understand. So the expression: We’re fine but we don’t have a sex life” translates into: Actually, we’re not doing that well, so we’re not going to bed.
Many sexual problems or lack of desire are just a reflection of other issues of the couple, such as lack of trust, communication, different interests, lack of a common life project, or contrary ideas. Pending issues that do not manifest themselves and are indirectly expressed in the sphere of sexuality.
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