Over the last 40 years I have asked over 2000 women clients this question:
Why don’t you want to have sex with your husband?
They have shared many reasons (see below) but those reasons ALL fall into two simple and distinct categories. I have decided to share the reasons in hopes my men (and women) readers will pay attention, make a few changes, and then get happy.
A little background information could also be helpful.
Point 1: Feminine is always attracted to masculine.
Every intimate, loving relationship (straight and gay) has masculine and feminine. It seems that this is a Law of Relationships and cannot be avoided. In heterosexual couples generally, the man displays masculine energy and the woman the feminine. Gay couples always have one partner who is more masculine and the other more feminine.
Whether straight or gay, the feminine is attracted to the masculine and vice versa. This seems to be a Law of Nature. When an imbalance occurs, dysfunction follows. If for example, a woman displays too little feminine energy for her man, he loses interest. When a man displays too little masculine energy for his woman, she loses interest.
Point 2: Adults only want sex with other adults.
Sexual intimacy between humans is designed to be conducted between two consenting ADULTS. If one partner exhibits too much childish or immature behavior, then her or his partner will naturally lose interest. For example, if a partner (male or female) behaves like a child, the natural incest taboo is activated and the other partner, who is behaving as an adult or a parent, will naturally avoid sexual contact. Adults and parents are programmed to avoid sexual contact with children even if that child is physically over 21.
What follows are reasons or examples of things men do or don’t do that cause loss of sexual interest in their partners. Most, if not all, can be connected to Points 1 and 2 above, too little masculine energy or behavior or too much childishness.
Note: I am not implying here that men are full to blame for the lack of sexual contact with their partners. I am simply putting the focus of this article on their responsibility so that they can make meaningful changes that usually make large differences.
Lack of sexual energy in a couple is always a result of behavior by both partners. This article focuses only on the man’s part. I will publish my article for women to follow this one soon. If you are a man and you have decided that the issue is entirely your wife’s difficulty, then you will have missed the point entirely. Focus on yourself. That is where the payoff will be.
Why won’t your wife (girlfriend) have sex with you?
There are two basic reasons that apply to over 95% of men who have this difficulty.
Reason 1 – You don’t act like a man.
Reason 2 – You don’t act like an adult.
I imagine you don’t like either of these reasons and you are feeling defensive and possibly angry at me for being so blunt. So my question is: Do you want more sex or do you want to stay defensive and unhappily celibate? Your choice. Here is more information you need to know.
Reason 1 – You don’t act like a man.
What do I mean by “you don’t act like a man”? I mean your woman, the one you want to be sexually attracted to you, sees your behavior and your attitudes and thinks you are too wimpy, too neurotic, too careful, not assertive enough, too much of a whiner, not protective of her, don’t take the lead enough, too often anxious and indecisive, boring, run away from conflict, too passive, lack passion, lack self-respect, too much of a nice guy when you need to be tough, avoid dealing with difficult people and situations and don’t take risks.
Notice, I did not say you don’t make enough money or are not in great shape. These may be a factor in extreme circumstances but they are not in the top 20 reasons why you don’t get what you want from her.
Yes, we are in an age that encourages men to be more sensitive and vulnerable and feeling aware. Those qualities may make her like or even love you but they will not make her feel like jumping your bones. Your woman wants a man, a real man, and not a wimp (see all qualities above). I know this is hard to hear but you want more sex right? If you want her to get excited about you, get turned on, and ready to give you the best sex you ever had, you need to read the list above and face the facts. DO NOT, DO NOT, become defensive and start listing the ways you are not the way she thinks you are. Being defensive is another guaranteed way to make her cold as ice.
So here is an even harder question: Are you man enough to face the truth about your level of manliness and make positive changes? If you are then here are some suggestions that I have given to many men in your position. The ones who found the balls to follow my guidance are having lots more sex (with their wives). No kidding.
Why did I say this takes balls?
Because it does. It takes real courage to face one’s inadequacies (especially as it relates to being a man) and do something positive about them. Remember, courage is a big turn-on to your woman.
If you want more sex, pay attention and make some manly decisions. She will love (want) you for it!
Reason 2 – You don’t act like an adult.
Countless wives make statements like this one: “I gave birth to 2 children but I often feel as if I have three.” These wives are turned off sexually because they experience their husbands as immature or childish.
Adult women do not find children or adolescents sexually attractive. As I stated above in Point 1, adult human beings are naturally structured to avoid sex with children and adolescents. If a wife has a constant experience of her husband as immature, she will quickly lose a desire to connect with him sexually.
Yes, he may be a good guy, and yes he may have quite a few positive qualities. However, if he acts like a child too often, she will not want to go to bed with him.
A man (husband) will be seen as childish/adolescent if he frequently grabs his wife’s butt like a teenager, makes adolescent jokes, refuses to take adult responsibility for bills, ordinary household chores, and childcare, takes his children’s side against his wife, does not practice good hygiene, tries to turn all physical contact into sexual foreplay, makes sports (watching or viewing) more important than quality time with her, cannot be emotionally intimate, acts like blowjobs are the ultimate sexual experience, refuses to learn to dress himself appropriately, does not pick up after himself, has to constantly be reminded to handle normal responsibilities, avoids disciplining the children…the list is endless but the point is clear. Too many men act like children and then want to get upset because their wives go cold to their advances.
If you want more sex, pay attention and make some adult decisions. She will love (want) you for it!
Reviews from satisfied clients
“Dr. A gave me more effective guidance about this issue in one hour than I got in weeks of therapy. I made just a few changes and my wife actually told me she thought I was hot. Our bedroom is a happy place now. Thanks, Dr. A!!!” Bill G.
“Oh, my god, Matthew, you gave me my balls back. I never felt so strong and so much like a real man. And my wife completely agrees!” Jack. D.
“Dr. A, thank you so much for giving me the man I married back. He is no longer one of the kids and has become my man! He actually turns me on now. Wow! Thanks so much!” Grace L.
Dr. Matthew Anderson: author of the bestselling book
The Resurrection of Romance:
How to create and sustain a world-class romantic relationship that lasts a lifetime.