Do Dogs Look at Humans as Gods?

No. Definitely not. How arrogant of you to think so.

Let’s compare what dogs can do to what people can do (from a dog’s point of view.)

Spot the dog can:

• Run really fast
• Leap effortlessly over fallen logs
• Smell things that passed by AGES ago
• Swim for hours
• Understand that cats are the anti-Christ
• Understand that squirrels are evil demons
• Hear and recognize the sound of their human’s car when it is a block away
• Poop wherever it likes

Brian, Spot’s Human:

• Is quite slow… Even when Brian is running as fast as he can, Spot is very casually loping alongside him.
• Cannot jump very high at all, and must even fetch a stool just to take something from the top shelf
• Has NO IDEA that 5 anti-Christs and 10 evil demons passed through his yard while he was at work
• Gets swept away in the same river that Spot can swim all the way across
• Thinks that cats are cute and innocent little things, and likes to tease them with bits of string
• Does not even NOTICE squirrels.
• Has no clue when his wife is coming home. Spot must run between Brian and the window to alert him of the car’s approach
• Brian is strange and secretive about where he poops. He goes and locks himself in a tiny room, and poops into his own water bowl.

It is true that Brian goes to work every day, and works to keep the big fancy cave over Spot’s head, but Spot does not know this. It is true that Brian knows many complex words and can convey his thoughts and feelings in speech or in writing, but Spot does not know this either, Brian’s barking is strange and incomprehensible to Spot. Brian has a strange device that he carries, that makes barking sounds and clicking sounds and buzzing sounds, and tells Brian when it is going to rain. Spot already knew it was going to rain.

To Spot, Brian is Definitely NOT a God. Brian is a rather large, rather stupid, rather slow dog, that walks strangely and barks strangely, but is rather Bossy in spite of his obvious inferiority. Brian is mostly bald, and must put on different fur for bed than for walkies, and must put on different fur in the winter and different fur in the summer, and different fur when it is raining.

Brian isn’t all bad though. Brian has weird bald paws, that allow him to open the door to the cold food keeping the place, and allow him to open the metal skins that have fishes inside. Brian can open and close the wall of the big fancy cave, enabling him and Spot to go on adventures. Also, despite being slow and stupid, Brian does most of the hunting and brings back many strange square skins, which are full of all manners of tasty foods. Sometimes Brian shares these foods, and sometimes Brian drops them (he has a strange aversion to eating off the cave floor, and often misses out on the yummiest bits).

Brian goes on adventures with Spot and follows Spot everywhere (he also collects Spot’s poop… Spot assumes Brian is after the yummy bits, but he does not share). It is true that he stops Spot from chasing the anti-Christs and the evil demons, even though Spot is only trying to save Brian, but he uses his weird bald paws to make the round thing fly, and it is very fun for Spot to chase the round thing. No matter how many times he brings Brian the round thing, Brian never gets tired of making it fly, Spot thinks it is nice to see Brian have so much fun. Catching the round flying thing satisfies Spot as well, It makes him feel very proud, and it is good practice for the day he gets loose and can hunt the evil demons.

Yes, overall, Brian is a rather good sort. He doesn’t like to share food, or the bed, or the couch, and he thinks that he is the boss of Spot, which is annoying, but he gives butt scratches, and his strange bald feet keep Spot’s belly warm when Spot sleeps on them. Spot would be rather lonely without his strange doggy friend.

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By Cassidy Scaglione, Owned by one proud cattle dog