Improving Sex with Hypnotism
The other night, I entered the office of a man I’d never met, lay down on his couch, put on a blindfold, and let him help me orgasm…but it’s not what it sounds like.
Barker got into hypnosis when he was a police officer interviewing criminals. Hypnosis, he explained to me, is a form of persuasion—and he’s damn good at it. As he spoke about the power of positive thinking and deprogramming toxic thought patterns, I found myself suddenly inspired by ideas that had sounded cliché when I read them in self-help books.
Barker believes we unknowingly sabotage our lives by telling ourselves stories like “I don’t have time to work out.” Often, these stories date back to influential experiences in our childhoods. His job as a hypnotist is to get inside people’s minds and feed their subconsciouses a different story. Sometimes, this transformation is so powerful that people forget what happened in their lives that had led to their problems.
Many of the people he sees have sexual problems, he says. So I decided to present a common problem I’ve been dealing with: difficulty reaching orgasm with my partner, despite the fact that I don’t seem to have trouble in that department on my own.
Talking to a stranger about my sex life wasn’t easy, but Barker reassured me that he’d spoken to people with the same issue before and explained what the causes usually are: anxiety or trauma, unless it’s just an issue with a particular partner. Then came the fun part.
He had me lie down on a reclining chair with a blanket over my body, put headphones over my ears that he spoke through, and told me to close my eyes. The whole thing felt rather silly, and I couldn’t help but laugh a bit as he told me how sleepy I was getting. Somehow, though, I felt my body go into a state of rest that it doesn’t normally reach when I sleep.
To put me into an even deeper state of relaxation, he asked me to picture a beautiful setting and imagine myself walking downstairs while growing increasingly tired and heavy. My limbs felt heavier than they’d ever been in my life. And then, Barker addressed my subconscious.
He started off with messages about how thought creates reality. In my hypnotic state, the insight struck me as deeply profound. I remember thinking, “OMG, he is so right.” Hypnosis, Barker explains, leaves you in a highly suggestible state.
Then, he delved into the issue. He told me that I was going to have an amazing sex life and that orgasming with a partner would be a piece of cake. He also pointed out that my partners probably have anxieties of their own and that there’s really nothing to be afraid of because we’re all coming from the same place. Then, something weird happened: As he described how great I would feel after I conquered this issue, I saw it happening. And the thought running through my head was, “See? It’s OK. You look great.”
There’s no mystery as to what that meant. Like many women, I’ve let body-image issues get in the way of my sex life.
I suddenly became aware of thoughts I didn’t know I’d been having, such as: “Am I being too quiet?” “Does my stomach look okay from this angle?” “Does my vagina look weird? OMG, he totally thinks it’s weird.” I know these worries are B.S., but society conditions women to have these kinds of concerns—and it doesn’t help that I had an ex-boyfriend who made fun of the faces I made during sex.
In that moment when I was hypnotized, though, I thought I looked perfect. And then, it got weirder.
I zoomed back into my body, and I felt waves of pleasure roll from the top of my head downward. I don’t believe I physically orgasmed, but I very vividly imagined it.
After Barker took me out of my hypnotic state, I erupted into a giggle fit as I wondered what the hell had just happened.
“What’s going on there? You were smiling from ear to ear,” Barker commented afterward. All I could get out in my embarrassed and shocked state was, “I experienced what it would be like.”
As I left his office and walked to my apartment, partner orgasms felt like a real possibility for me. Weird as it sounds, it felt like I had already done it. I realized I’d been psyching myself out by worrying about not being able to orgasm, which was creating a self-perpetuating cycle. I would start thinking about how I would fake it before I even gave myself the chance to orgasm. Since my mind was the only thing blocking me, I thought that maybe it could also unblock me.
Barker warned me that those thoughts would still try to enter my mind, but the difference was, now I had control over whether I invited them in or not—because I knew it was possible to be free from them.
I listened to a tape of the hypnosis two days later, which Barker recommends to all his clients. The day after that, I found myself in bed with a fairly new partner. I tried to apply what I’d learned, but I still couldn’t get the broken record of “Sh-t, I haven’t come yet” out of my head—so I gave up. Barker emailed me the next day to ask how things were going, and I told him I wasn’t having any luck.
But a mere hours later, I sent him another email: “OK, never mind. I tried again today, and it worked…three times. I don’t know how you did that, but thank you!”
During that second attempt, when those panicky “should I fake it?” thoughts started entering my head, I told myself, “Just let yourself be surprised. You never know.” And I ended up quite surprised indeed.
Once I knew I could finish with a partner, it got easier and easier. After a few days, it was taking less than five minutes. All this time, I’d thought my body was uncooperative, but it turns out everything is working just fine down there.